That’s all he can think, because even if he huffs out a laugh to himself, the words stick in his chest as heavily as the water he was drowned in. It’s not like Hugo hadn’t come to the same conclusions himself. He’d questioned them long before that night when they’d parted ways. How could he not? He’d overheard Jack’s warning to Lycaon, and the way that Lycaon didn’t even argue that maybe Hugo was just inherently evil had evoked this same feeling.
His mentor and his dearest partner both. Neither one of them trusted him. Even all these years later, it hurts like a fresh wound just to see it in someone else’s words. ]
I know. He didn’t love me the way I loved him.
[ Part of him balks to even send that. He wants to run away from this conversation. He hadn’t even seen Lycaon except in Inter-Knot postings from time to time in, what. Ten years? Why is he still so stuck on him, much less explaining it to anyone else? He blames the imprint, and maybe that is part of it, but he doesn’t think that’s all of it. ]
I’m the one that wanted to be better, to be clear. I didn’t want to be like my father. He and every other member of my wretched family made my life hell until I ran away. They were cruel, terrible people. Not a single one of them brought anything but pain into the world.
Lycaon left me the night that I killed them.
[ It’s a lie. He didn’t. He’d been too cowardly, too afraid because of all of Jack and Lycaon’s warnings about not crossing that line. It’s the fact that he didn’t even do it, but Lycaon hadn’t even waited a moment before abandoning him… The truth was so much worse than the lie he keeps up. ]
[ It isn't as though Set wants to be diving into the depths of a conversation about monstrosity and love, either. The tug of Hugo's hidden emotions elicits a visceral reaction in him, though: a sudden, violent need to shake the other man until all of the so-called maturity he developed in the wake of betrayal falls apart to reveal itself for what it truly is — the bitter, crawling need to survive one's own soul-deep agony by any means possible. Even if one must convince themselves they are something they are not, or feel something they don't. ]
I was never kind. Nor was I particularly "good", but I had pride in my responsibilities and I was a dutiful husband and father. My own brother betrayed me, and all of the gods — including my own siblings — stood by him. They never asked me what happened. They never considered my reasons. I was a monster to them, like you: a kinslayer, an evil god. They never trusted that I might have a reason for my actions, because Osiris had sown doubts about my character for centuries.
Doubts, like the ones Lycaon seems to have always harbored towards you.
[ He does not explain why it happened, because he simply would rather rip his Augmenter out of his neck and perish, than tell anyone — especially someone he is Imprinted to — about the horrors Osiris visited upon him. ]
Is it any wonder, I feel strongly about traitorous bxstards who proclaim to love us — and then abandon us, the moment we cross a line we could not avoid?
[ In his moment, he feels like he understands the Imprints a little more. It’s only a guess at best, since there’s nothing but his own feelings as justification for his theory, but… Much like the Souls they’re matched with, maybe there’s part of imprinting that cuts through to the truth of things too. Why would he imprint with people that have been quite violent to him, if not that? He’d just assumed it was the parts of himself that were deeply fucked up, but…
No, it’s Set and Silco both. As he’s gotten to know both of them, it reveals more similarities than he’s liked. Imprinting may not simply be a bond, but a mirror.
It’s one he doesn’t want to look into. ]
It’s not.
[ He does understand Set better now. Part of him wants to go for his usual tried and true deflection. When something is a little too personal or emotional, then he just turns it towards the other person. It’s never dishonest, because he does care openly and deeply for others, but he just doesn’t want that same thing turned his way.
However… That’s the mirror aspect, isn’t it? He doesn’t think that would work on Set. Because of this awful, shared feeling, he knows personally how that tactic doesn’t work. There’s another delay before he replies. ]
Thank you for telling me, at least. Maybe you’re not kind or good, but that doesn’t mean any of that was deserved. It’s cruel. I believe you. And I won’t doubt you.
[ It seems like his strategy of deflecting, but there’s an earnestness here that isn’t clear in text. For most, he would stop at that. But for once… He continues. ]
My entire life has been unhappy, to be honest with you. From the moment I was born, I wasn’t wanted, so abandonment and betrayal are practically my childhood friends. But it was easier then because there was no pretense about it. My mother, my siblings, anyone I ever met made it clear. I was unloved.
So, you can see why I fell for Lycaon. Even if I knew he didn’t trust me to be better than my circumstances… I was still young and desperate. It blinded me.
It’s not a mistake I’ll make twice. That’s all I want to say.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
That’s all he can think, because even if he huffs out a laugh to himself, the words stick in his chest as heavily as the water he was drowned in. It’s not like Hugo hadn’t come to the same conclusions himself. He’d questioned them long before that night when they’d parted ways. How could he not? He’d overheard Jack’s warning to Lycaon, and the way that Lycaon didn’t even argue that maybe Hugo was just inherently evil had evoked this same feeling.
His mentor and his dearest partner both. Neither one of them trusted him. Even all these years later, it hurts like a fresh wound just to see it in someone else’s words. ]
I know. He didn’t love me the way I loved him.
[ Part of him balks to even send that. He wants to run away from this conversation. He hadn’t even seen Lycaon except in Inter-Knot postings from time to time in, what. Ten years? Why is he still so stuck on him, much less explaining it to anyone else? He blames the imprint, and maybe that is part of it, but he doesn’t think that’s all of it. ]
I’m the one that wanted to be better, to be clear. I didn’t want to be like my father. He and every other member of my wretched family made my life hell until I ran away. They were cruel, terrible people. Not a single one of them brought anything but pain into the world.
Lycaon left me the night that I killed them.
[ It’s a lie. He didn’t. He’d been too cowardly, too afraid because of all of Jack and Lycaon’s warnings about not crossing that line. It’s the fact that he didn’t even do it, but Lycaon hadn’t even waited a moment before abandoning him… The truth was so much worse than the lie he keeps up. ]
I don’t forgive him for that.
no subject
I was never kind. Nor was I particularly "good", but I had pride in my responsibilities and I was a dutiful husband and father. My own brother betrayed me, and all of the gods — including my own siblings — stood by him. They never asked me what happened. They never considered my reasons. I was a monster to them, like you: a kinslayer, an evil god. They never trusted that I might have a reason for my actions, because Osiris had sown doubts about my character for centuries.
Doubts, like the ones Lycaon seems to have always harbored towards you.
[ He does not explain why it happened, because he simply would rather rip his Augmenter out of his neck and perish, than tell anyone — especially someone he is Imprinted to — about the horrors Osiris visited upon him. ]
Is it any wonder, I feel strongly about traitorous bxstards who proclaim to love us — and then abandon us, the moment we cross a line we could not avoid?
no subject
No, it’s Set and Silco both. As he’s gotten to know both of them, it reveals more similarities than he’s liked. Imprinting may not simply be a bond, but a mirror.
It’s one he doesn’t want to look into. ]
It’s not.
[ He does understand Set better now. Part of him wants to go for his usual tried and true deflection. When something is a little too personal or emotional, then he just turns it towards the other person. It’s never dishonest, because he does care openly and deeply for others, but he just doesn’t want that same thing turned his way.
However… That’s the mirror aspect, isn’t it? He doesn’t think that would work on Set. Because of this awful, shared feeling, he knows personally how that tactic doesn’t work. There’s another delay before he replies. ]
Thank you for telling me, at least. Maybe you’re not kind or good, but that doesn’t mean any of that was deserved. It’s cruel. I believe you. And I won’t doubt you.
[ It seems like his strategy of deflecting, but there’s an earnestness here that isn’t clear in text. For most, he would stop at that. But for once… He continues. ]
My entire life has been unhappy, to be honest with you. From the moment I was born, I wasn’t wanted, so abandonment and betrayal are practically my childhood friends. But it was easier then because there was no pretense about it. My mother, my siblings, anyone I ever met made it clear. I was unloved.
So, you can see why I fell for Lycaon. Even if I knew he didn’t trust me to be better than my circumstances… I was still young and desperate. It blinded me.
It’s not a mistake I’ll make twice. That’s all I want to say.